TransFormation Ministry

When we finally decide to come out as transgender to friends and family, we might have a portfolio of explanations and arguments on hand, ready to answer all the questions people will launch at us. “When did this happen?” “Are you insane?” “Is this your way of getting attention?” These are only some of the questions we have to contend with, and there are a hundred more where those came from. But there is one question that we are usually not prepared to answer: “What can I do to help?”

While this question conveys the kind of open-hearted response we all want to receive, it’s a hard question to answer if we’re not prepared for it. “What can you do? Um… I don’t know. Nothing, I guess.”

In fact, there are plenty of things our friends, co-workers and loved ones can do to support us on this journey, so here are a few ideas:

1. “I need you to be there for me.” While this may seem obvious, it’s a good place to start when putting your needs out there. Being there for you does not mean trying to “fix” you or change your mind. It just means being present with you as you navigate this unfamiliar terrain.
2. “If you have questions, just ask me.” Many people are afraid to ask questions, for fear they might offend us. And to be fair, there are some trans* people who get very defensive when questions are asked. This would be a good time to talk about what kinds of questions you welcome and what kinds you would rather not answer. Remember, the more questions they ask, the more comfortable they will probably feel with your transition.
3. “You could read this book…” There is no better way to help someone than by educating one’s self about the issue they’re dealing with. Find a book or two that you think would be helpful for someone who has questions, and then be ready to recommend them. You can also direct them here, to TransFormation Ministry, where they can read some blogs and write to us with any questions.
4. “Just be careful not to ‘out’ me. I want to share this news in my own way.” It is important for your loved ones to work through their own feelings about your transition, and in order to do that they might need to talk to someone. But talking to people you have not yet come out to could cause more harm than good. You might recommend they talk to a therapist or trusted friend who can maintain confidentiality.
5. “Check out the local PFLAG chapter.” This is a great resource for someone who might be struggling with your transition. If there is not a PFLAG chapter in their area, you can suggest they find a PFLAG group on Facebook, anywhere around the world.

These are only a few ways you can answer when someone asks how they can help. If you have more ideas, leave a comment and tell us how you would want someone to help when you’re in the process of coming out. This might help others be more prepared for the one question they were least expecting!

~ Brent Walsh

“I need someone to tell me what to do.” Callie stood by my pickup truck with a frown wrinkling her forehead, her teeth worrying her lower lip. A big decision lay before her, one that had the potential to change the entire landscape of her future, and the implications paralyzed her. She had sought counseling from her pastor and advice from a friend, but no one was giving her what she really wanted – permission to say yes. She wanted someone to tell her that she should put her money where her mouth is and go for it.  She wanted someone to say that God would open doors for her and pave the way with road signs. She wanted someone to convince her that saying yes would be like the explosion of a starter pistol, and that the gates would fly open and her life would take off down the track, leaving doubt and hesitation in the dust.

But no one was saying those things. Her pastor laid out some steps to guide her in discernment; her friend said he would support her, whatever she decided. And when she asked God… well, God was even worse! God wasn’t painting any billboards as far as she could see! What was wrong with everybody? Couldn’t they see she just wanted to get a simple yes or no answer?

In the book, Let Your Life Speak, Parker Palmer talks of leading retreats. “From time to time participants show me the notes they are taking as the retreat unfolds. The pattern is nearly universal: people take copious notes on what the retreat leader says, and they sometimes take notes on the words of certain wise people in the group, but rarely, if ever, do they take notes on what they themselves say. We listen for guidance everywhere except from within.” Later he says, “We need to listen to what our lives are saying and take notes on it, lest we forget our own truth or deny that we ever heard it.”

If you are like Callie, you search high and low for someone to tell you what decision to make, and you are anxious to hear what they have to say. This is a positive first step and one that can affirm your initial quest for feedback. But once you have asked others for their opinions, the person you really need to listen to is yourself. You probably already know what you need to do, but maybe you don’t trust yourself to make this kind of decision – one that carries life-changing implications. You want to talk to a professional, someone who can swoop in and organize all the clutter in your brain, stuffing random pieces of your life into neat stackable storage containers, color coded and adorned with sticky labels. Once your brain is organized, maybe then you will see the signs you’re looking for to guide you in the right direction.

The thing is, you are the most qualified person for this job. Make an appointment with yourself and have a notebook handy to take notes. Ask yourself what your passion is, what your strengths are, where your weaknesses lie, what challenges you, who motivates you, what you want to do before you die. What you tell yourself will be very important, so don’t miss a word of it. Just for a moment, stop asking other people for advice and start attending to the advice you would give yourself.

The thing you are called to is authenticity. When you allow yourself to answer that call, you will not only discover the sense of fulfillment you are looking for, but you will also find your path to authentic purpose in the world.

Coming out to my parents was hard enough, but I had a lot of explaining to do when I told my friends I was going to come out by way of email. “Why don’t you just tell them in person? Are you afraid of what they’ll say?” some friends wondered. “It’s so impersonal,” others complained. “I’d at least call them on the phone if I were you.” But that was the thing… they weren’t me.

Coming out is often a difficult conversation, and there are a number of reasons I choose to address difficult conversations in writing. First, when it comes to this kind of thing, I write much better than I speak. When I get nervous, I stumble around my vocabulary, bump into awkward phrases, scramble for misplaced words, and choke on emotions that crawl up my throat and make my eyes water. What’s worse, if I mess up and have to correct myself, I come across as uncertain and apologetic, which is not at all the display of confidence I want to exude. When I write, I take my time to collect just the right words; I line them up like soldiers on the page, in exactly the order they need to be. If any get out of line, I whisk them away with the delete key, and no one even knows they existed. By the time my words reach their destination, they’ve been tweaked and polished and they march in step, all the way to the end of the page.

Second, when a conversation takes place in person, there is a lot of opportunity for someone to interrupt me, especially if I’m busy searching for words. I might have practiced my speech in the mirror a hundred times, but as soon as my loved one interrupts with a rebuttal to something I say, my prepared speech is out the window. Now I have to put my speech on pause in order to argue a point, and who knows if I’ll ever get to say the things I prepared. When I deliver my thoughts in written form, they all arrive intact and on time. If my loved one needs to stop reading for one reason or another, my words will wait in perfect formation until my loved one is ready to look at them again.

Finally, when I’m talking to someone in person and they start to cry, it completely derails me. It makes me wonder if I should step away and let them have some privacy. If we’re in a public place, my loved one might feel embarrassed and ashamed of their tears. When I came out to my parents, I wanted them to be able to express whatever emotions came over them. It was important that they be allowed to grieve and to process this information at their own pace and in their own way.

My decision to come out via email had nothing to do with fear or cowardice. My friends thought I was being disrespectful in my “impersonal” method, but the truth was I was showing respect the best way I knew how. It was showing respect not only to my parents, but also to myself. I wanted to respect my own strengths and give myself the best chance to say everything I had to say.

It’s your coming out. You need to decide how to make it work best for you. In the end, what matters most is not how you come out, but that you respect yourself in the process.

When I first announced my decision to transition, some of my well-intentioned friends and family responded with shock and uncertainty. They had never heard me talk about my gender; now I was telling them I was going to have a sex change. Understandably, they worried I was making a rash decision. But many had no idea what to say or how to say it, and they wound up saying the first thing that crossed their minds before considering the appropriateness of their comments: “This is so sudden; don’t you want to think about it for a while? Have you considered counseling?”

They might have been trying to help, but the questions only made me defensive. It seemed they wanted me to get their approval before I followed through, and in some cases I felt I had to defend my mental clarity. In reality, many people have thought about this decision for more than twenty years before doing anything. It may seem like a quick decision, but it rarely is.

Others feared that transitioning was a response to traumatic experiences: “Are you transgender because you were abused as a child?” They might have been asking from a place of deep concern, but it doesn’t come across that way. While it is true that some transgender people have been abused as children, it’s also true that others have not. Approximately one in four people have experienced abuse – a percentage far greater than that of the transgender community. There is no correlation between abuse and gender identity.

With many living as lesbian or gay before deciding to transition, some people are tempted to ask, “Why don’t you just keep living as a gay/lesbian? It’s easier that way.” I presented as lesbian until I was 32, and while I truly enjoyed being a part of the lesbian community, I just did not feel right inside. I was a man, and in some ways I felt like an imposter. It sometimes seemed like I was misleading people into thinking I was someone I was not. The easier road is not always the most authentic one.

So how can you respond when someone tells you they want to transition? First, try not to jump to a fear-based reaction. If you are uncertain what to say, try, “Tell me more about how you’re feeling.” This allows the transgender person to open up without feeling defensive. When you feel genuinely concerned about the suddenness of the decision, you could say: “I’m glad you told me about this. How long have you been feeling this way?” This will give the person a chance to share their internal experience and process with you.

If transgender issues are foreign to you, it’s okay to admit that. You don’t have to know all the answers. You can simply acknowledge, “I honestly don’t know what you’re going through and I’ve never dealt with anything like this before. But your journey is important to me. Let’s keep talking so you can help me understand.” Ultimately, remember to focus on affirming this person you care about and frame your questions with care so they will feel respected, valued, and loved.

~ Brent Walsh