A common question people ask me is, “How has your transition affected your relationship with God?” There was a time when I would have said the relationship would not change in the least bit – that because I am the same person and God is the same God, nothing could change between us. But now that I am six years into my transition, I realize that statement is not true.
God may be the same God, but I am not the same person. I no longer feel awkward in my own skin. Instead, I am more relaxed and confident in myself and I look to the future with purpose and enthusiasm.
Before my transition I related to God on an emotional level, often sending my prayers to Heaven on a wave of tears. Neither God nor I have been afraid of emotions, so we used them to talk to each other, whether I was happy or sad. Now I express my emotion differently. Tears don’t come as easily, so I find myself talking to God from a different emotional space.
I believe that every person experiences their relationship with God differently based on where they are in their lives. I didn’t have the same relationship with God when I was twenty as I did when I was twelve; and I don’t have the same relationship with God now as I did when I was twenty.
Well-intentioned Christians have spoken sternly to me about the fate of my relationship with God if I dared to forsake the “straight and narrow” as defined by the church of my youth. But my relationship with God is my own, directed by the wheel of my own understanding and decisions; there is no switch that can be flipped by others if I steer my relationship with God down a path that is forbidden by the church.
All of my life God has known what I look like, inside and out. I didn’t surprise God when I transitioned from female to male, and I certainly didn’t build a wall between us. The only thing that changed was the approach – the way I talk to God, the way I relate to God, and the level of comfort I feel with God now that I’m more comfortable with myself.
What is your relationship like with God? Have you been afraid to talk to God because of some decision you’ve made that other people don’t approve of? Don’t let the concerns of others hijack your relationship with God. It is your birthright, and you may be surprised at just how much you and God have in common!
~ Brent Walsh
I just couldn’t understand why God made me so different. My father was a Baptist minister so it took me years of denile, then just living alone and praying to change me. Finally I heard him (I don’t recall if during a sermon, song, but He spoke to me and told me He created me as I am. To love myself as he has created me. There is a purpose a way to serve and glorify Him just as I am.I don’t know if its to teach others acceptance, love for one another in our differences. So that we may serve Him in different ways with different passions, gifts and beings. I love God and want so to serve, glorify and be welcome in the House of God.
I’d say my relationship with God got a wee bit rocky after I had my epiphany and began my transition, there have been many times I’ve been angry with God. I was quite fortunate to have a supportive priest, she was there right from the start. She also affirmed that it is okay and understandable to be angry. I also believe that I was steered to my epiphany – it was a gay priest and his partner talking about their own experiences coming to terms with being gay and what it did to their family relationships that triggered my epiphany.
I am now at a stage where I am actively working to get back to university to study theology and begin the process of discernment towards ordained ministry. Where that leads, God knows, and she hasn’t told me yet.
I accept myself but do not feel close to God. He seems like an imaginary friend I used to have. Sometimes I do mourn that loss. I am agnostic and think of God as distant. If he is the God I was raised to believe in, then deep down I’m still disappointed and angry at him. And at the same time, I think he understands why.
(Revising my previous post for typos. Sorry.)
I am moved by each of your posts. The transparency, the deep thought, the spiritual ardor with which you write makes an easily-read message pierce to the heart of your readers. Thank you for this.
When I came out as a gay ordained clergy person, I feared God’s reaction because of my childhood church’s teachings. When I realized that God had known me as I was for all of my life, it suddenly dawned that it was my church friends, not God, that chided me, that abandoned me. That was 40 years ago. I understand more about myself and life and therefore have a kinder, gentler God than I did back then.
God also moved, from somewhere up there, to be a part of me and of all else in the world. The move has been a transforming experience for me.
My relationship with God is much, much better. By accepting my true self, I tore down the barriers that kept God and people out. Now, God enters in easily. In the process of transition, I was led to become a Quaker. The Quakers were the first group that knew me as “Aran.” They accepted me just as I am and helped me become the man that I am. I never thought that I would be able to worship in silence, but God speaks to me there and God speaks through me to other people through vocal ministry that I give.